Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Wow, it’s been over a month since I last blogged. Of course, two of those weeks I was on vacation, but still…it’s been a long break!

I’m starting back up with a fairly personal post. Oftentimes, when I go to sleep, negative thoughts surface about the areas of leadership in which I am not excelling. The funny thing is that during the day, I’m not aware of these shortcomings, but at night they come blaring through. The next morning, it’s as if nothing happened the night before, and I can’t even recall what exactly I was thinking as I was trying to fall asleep the night before. At times, I’ve thought “Maybe this is spiritual warfare,” because I often feel discouraged, rather than encouraged to press forward. And the discouragement is pretty heavy.

When these thoughts come, it’s not uncommon for me to feel as if someone else would do a better job than me, so why not let someone else better do it? Or to feel as if because of my inadequacies, I’m letting other people down, and they won’t be able to reach their full potential because their leader (me) isn’t doing all he can to help them. At these times, I can see how much better things would be if only I didn’t have certain faults or if I worked harder or if I had other talents or…

Like I said, at times I’ve wondered if this is some sort of spiritual attack (and I’m guessing my more “pentecostal” friends may think that’s a no-brainer). While I won’t dismiss that possibility, I’ve been recently made aware that leaders of all kinds (not just pastors or “spiritual” leaders) experience similar thoughts and feelings. I think it may be a manifestation of internal stress that leaders put on themselves without knowing it. For me, it surfaces and reveals itself at night in bed.

I also think that the issue is compounded for me, because I tend to be a critical person. Most people think this is a negative trait, but I usually see it as a positive trait. I think things don’t usually get better until we are dissatisfied with how things currently are, and then as a result start looking for a better way of doing things. Of course, being dissatisfied with the current situation feels negative to most people who are happy just to go with the flow as-is. But I do see how looking at things critically can sometimes be counter-productive. In this case, I am my own worst critic. And rather than encouraging me to excel, these thoughts/feelings discourage me.

However, the reason I don’t dismiss this as spiritual attack is because it’s as if these feelings/thoughts don’t seem to come from my conscience, but instead from somewhere closer to my sub-conscience.  I’m not aware of these things until I’m in bed, and trying to drift off to sleep. It’s sort of like there’s another voice condemning me, even though it is coming from my own mind.

To my surprise, I have found prayer to be largely ineffective at countering the thoughts. Instead, what I have found to be the best way to stop the bombarding thoughts is to remind myself that the most important thing is how I live my life and the health of my family. Ultimately, everyone else is responsible for their own lives. While good leadership definitely helps people and I want to be a better leader, I am not ultimately responsible for the direction people choose to follow in their lives–whether that direction is closer to God’s will or further away.

And I think in the end, that is the source of the feelings/thoughts I have. I wish that friends of mine who aren’t believers would surrender their lives to Christ. And I wish that friends of mine who call themselves believers would live Spirit-filled lives. And although here and there I see this happen, I see the opposite happening in too many people. And I percieve that other leaders have better success at seeing people choose to follow God than I do, thereby the problem must be something with me.

In every good lie, there is plenty of truth. Otherwise, the lie is unbelievable. I believe there’s a lot of truth in the negative thoughts/feelings I have sometimes at night. I’m not a super leader. I have a long way to go. But I must strive to have enough faith in God to believe that He can work through all sorts of situations and people like me that aren’t ideal.

Perhaps instead of striving to become a more ideal leader or to make situations more ideal/biblical/effective, I should strive more to place my faith and hope squarely in God, believing that He can do great things in very imperfect situations and through very imperfect people like me.