I heard something great on the radio yesterday. The guy was talking about how us parents don’t effectively discipline our kids–except that he said he doesn’t like the word “discipline,” because it brings up the imagery of simply reward and punishment. Instead, he says it’s our job as parents to disciple our kids (same root word). He thinks that word better connotates the role and responsibility of parents.

I agree with him. Over the years of serving as a youth pastor or being involved in youth ministry, I’ve realized that the vast majority of them do not know much of the faith by the time they reach youth group–even if they’ve grown up in Christian homes. For example, if I were to ask the average youth person, “Name me three things about the guy Abraham in the Bible,” they wouldn’t be able to do it. And Abraham isn’t a nobody in the Bible–he’s the father of the faith. The more I contemplated this, the more I realized that this was probably true for the vast majority of parents in the church too. The reason why their kids didn’t know Abraham is that their parents didn’t know who he was either. Or in some instances, the parents knew it but didn’t fully realize their role as disciple-makers. Instead, I think many parents and churches abdicate their responsibility to mentor children and youth, and simply dump that responsibility on the children/youth pastor.

When I shared these ideas with Genesis, my former church, I was excited that they embraced the idea of addressing this problem and changing it. I drafted a proposal of how to change things in our church along these lines–a process that would take at least three years–and they were on board. I really appreciated their willingness to step forward in this–many churches are not so open to considering alternative ways of doing ministry. But I think more and more churches are realizing that the old model of doing youth/children’s ministry doesn’t produce very sustainable, effective, or healthy ministry in the lives of youth and children. Turnover rate in these fields is so high, but parents and church members are there for the kids the entire time. On top of this, God gave us parents the primary responsibility of raising our kids in the ways of the Lord.

The primary disciple-makers must be the parents. Studies show that the vast majority of children/youth will end up having the same type of faith that their parents emulate, not what they hear taught in youth group or church necessarily. For example, if the parents don’t read their Bible, neither will the children. It doesn’t matter how awesome the youth program or church is, what type of Bible-reading program the youth ministry implements, or if the youth ministry just plain sucks.

Disciplining your kids is important as it helps them develop self-control, respect for others, and a sense of responsibility. However, discipline should be balanced with positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior. Rewarding them with modest girls dresses for their achievements, whether it’s academic success, completing chores, or displaying positive character traits, can serve as a tangible and meaningful incentive. It’s crucial to ensure that rewards align with your family values and that the emphasis remains on teaching and shaping their behavior rather than solely materialistic rewards.

All of this makes me think of the Great Commission: Go and make disciples. It also reminds me of 1 Timothy 3:4-5. Paul says that a pastor shouldn’t be expected to manage a church well if he cannot lead his own household. I would propose that as Christians, we cannot “go and make disciples” in the church or in the world if we cannot even do so in our homes.

I would like to encourage all of us parents out there to start reading our Bibles with our kids, praying with our kids, living out our faith with our kids for real. This doesn’t guarantee that they will become disciples of Jesus–each kid/student has to make up their own mind themselves. They may still reject Jesus. But we must do our part regardless! We can’t pass something on that we don’t have ourselves, but we can grow this thing together with our kids. Even if we’ve never heard the Bible story before, we can learn the story together with our kids. I would encourage us parents to see ourselves as the Ministers to Youth/Children, not some paid staff member at our church.